I was afraid, so I hid.

Have you ever walked down a corridor, seen a stranger walking in the opposite direction and as you near to that particular stranger, your instinct seems to be to looking down, or looking away; instead of smiling?

Y-camp just happened over the weekend and I had a great time with my group Blue Dolphin! We were all paired up with a beneficiary from APSN Center for Adults(Association for People with Special Needs), and we did many things from mass dance, arts and craft to high rope elements.

One wonderful thing about these beneficiaries (who are intellectually challenged) is that their life; their emotions are all unfiltered. We could see certain characteristics about particular individuals so well because of that, and the thing is, they’re really no different from us in that sense; its just that we hide better.

What do I mean?

During the Y-camp, we had a beneficiary who was a really vocal person; this person would talk a lot and take lead in the group. He/she would have opinions about a lot of things, and you would believe that He/she’s a really confident person.

However, underneath all that confidence was a scared and afraid young person. Eventually, during the high rope elements, tears flowed from this person as he/she was exposed: He/she was afraid. Tears came streaming down as this person was paralyzed at the last section of the high ropes and that entire confident front that was used as a façade, came crumbling down like a stack of cards…

The truth is, All of us are no different. We hide in one way or another.

For these beneficiaries, their hiding from their fear is apparent to the keen eye; but many of us have created such complex mazes to hide our deepest feelings; our heart of hearts.

Interestingly, in the Bible in Genesis; one of Adam’s first statements after disobeying God was: “I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.” (Genesis 3:10). Adam used a fig leaf to hide his nakedness, but we’ve since come up with much more complex devices to do so.

One example: A guy’s deepest fears can be entering into the heart of a lady. They are afraid that it is too complex and hard to understand. They are afraid that they don’t have what it takes. Because of that fear, they run away and hide behind things like fellowship only with other men; the TV (the TV is the place to go after school/work); their work (You’re coming home late tonight again?); their sports and so on. This alone is the cause of many broken relationships in families.

For a girl who’s been hurt in her youth; she naturally creates barriers to stop any another person to enter into her heart as well. I’ve known a particular girl who seems very friendly on the outside, but there’s a certain coldness about her: it’s like… she lets you in, but not really. At first look, we think she’s friendly, but we sense that… “Do not enter” after getting a little closer to her.

My fellow volunteer uses the analogy well for her beneficiary: “He created a shell around him, and I can’t get in.”

We are afraid to be exposed. We are afraid that one day we’ll be found out that we are not good enough; that we are too complicated. Yes, there is a certain level of nakedness about being truly ourselves. It feels so… vulnerable.

When we don’t bother hiding anymore; our selfishness might be exposed; our laziness; our inadequacies all start getting poured out for the world to see. We have to deal with it then.

I stopped trying to be what a ‘president’ needs to be a long time ago. Felicia from my Y-camp group quipped I’m like a little kid who never grows up. Hahaha. I don’t bother trying to be a ‘president’ (whatever that title is supposed to entail) because it’s too really tiring.

But with these things also come a glory about who you are. Nelson Mandela makes the statement in a speech:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

When you become real, unfiltered, when you stop hiding; You give others permission to do the same. Wow.

But for most of us; it seems more convenient to hide behind that maze; where we just be what the world requires of us: to be serving; to be an efficient machine churning out reports; to say the politically correct things when the situation arises.

(Have you ever noticed how hard it is to get some guys to share their feelings?)

When you speak with a friend about your thoughts and feelings and he/she looks at you square in the eye; do you find yourself unconsciously turning your eyes away to look at something else?

Our eyes are the window to our soul.

When we turn our eyes away, it’s a sign that we’re really hiding something. Some part of us fears to be exposed for who we really are.

How are we hiding today? Behind our:

Grades?
Busy-ness?
‘Correct’ answers you give your friends and classmates?
Your Stellar Performances in school?
Seemingly altrustic service to the community?
Your career/business?
Your smile?

I could go on and on to make a list of 1000; it just shows how complex a maze we’ve created for hiding.

What do we do then? I suppose that’s something I’ll share a little during the next issue. =)

But remember, you are who you are. And we can never change that no matter how much we hide.